A few jokes to lighten the mood

[Jazza]

Mr. Jones calls his secretary in his office to dictate a letter. Sally comes in the office and Mr. Jones tells her to have a seat. As he sits down, Sally notices Mr. Jones fly is open. She continues on with the letter and as she is writing, she keeps thinking about his fly being open. Well when she finishes with the letter and is walking out of the door, she turns to Mr. Jones and says "your barracks is open", and she walks out of the door.
He stands there and thinks about it but does not know what she is talking about. Later in the day he finds that his fly is open and remembers that Sally had noticed and had said something. Mr. Jones calls Sally back into the office and asks her "earlier you said my barracks was open, did you notice a solder inside the door standing at attention", she thinks about it and says "no i saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags".


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A blonde calls the fire department screaming that her house is on fire, and to come quickly. "How do we get there?" asks the fireman. She responds, "Don't you have like, some big red trucks?"

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There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!
Can I buy it"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 at a really good price ...
and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate
agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The
one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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This guy takes his pet monkey to a bar. The monkey is running around wild , jumps on a pool table and swallows a cue ball. The bar tender kicks them out and tells them not to come back for a while.
Two weeks later they're back and the monkey is running wild again. The monkey finds a grape at the end of the bar looks at it sticks the grape up its ass pulls it out and eats it. The bar tender yells hey buddy did you see what your monkey just did? That's disgusting.

The patron says well what did you expect? After swallowing that cue ball now he measures everything before he eats it.


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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "get me a beer before it starts.". The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts.". She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight!? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV!? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob! And furthermore..."

The man looks up at her and says, "It's started."


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Little johnny in school. Teacher has kids use words in a sentence. She asks them to use "ozonol". Little Janey says "I fell & scraped my knee and Mom put ozonol on it". Teacher thought that was good. Little johnny was next. "Dad was watching the ball game on tv when Mom came in & started vacuuming. Dad told Mom if she didn't shut that thing off he was gonna shove it up her ass ozonol"

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump!"... said the barber. "That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut and the barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he whispered a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?


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