Relationship Breakdown

[DnB Dude]

Hi all.

My girlfriend and I have just split up after 4 years and I'm finding it very difficult as she was my first real love and we lived together for 3 years.

It all started to go down hill when she got depression after the twins, I was left with them for days on end and once it was weeks before she came back home and then she would disappear after for a few days without telling me. I used to take care of everything from cooking and cleaning to bill paying as she would often ignore them, even when she was there I sorted everything out to make her life easier as she was having a rough time. 100's of times she told me she couldn't cope any more and wanted to end it and I fort so hard to keep us and the kids together which seemed to work, yet one day she said "it's not working", but a few days prior she said we were fine, no need to worry. The night before we were just at home chilling, cuddling, watching TV and saying the I love you's, next day she said it was over, really was shocking, in fact I was gob-smacked!

To make it even worse she decided that the kids would live with her in our house though she had hated it and was partly why she felt the way she did, so she is unable to cope with the kids even after saying that she would die than have to look after then. She despises everything about having children though she has changed her mind about us and our kids at the flick of the switch. Further more the girls have been attached to my hip for almost a year and I have almost brought them up myself and haven't spent one night away from them in a long time so it kinda feels like I am being robbed.

Terrible time I must admit, stomach's in knots, can't eat or sleep and can't get a straight answer out of her for why this has happened so very confused.

[Nellyp]

I can't imagine how it feels to have not one but possibly three people cut from you. The most important thing to understand is that you have done your best, it is her issue. She may have postpartum depression, something is creating great movements in her emotions. I think you should seek advice from a professional, they well most probably set up a communicator between you and your partner to find the issue. If you love her, you have to stick by her even when she pushes you away, do this is conjunction with therapy for her, you have two others to think about. If your partner is not so happy being with the children, they could possibly be neglected, depression is a very nasty problem. Please bring a third party between you and her, otherwise it will be like pushing shit up a hill.

[DnB Dude]

I have been told by solicitors, social services, GP and health visitors that unless the children are harmed they won't get involved as it is between us and she has to do her bit and get help if she wants it. Because I have spoken to so many people I feel that they think I am obsessed and over cautious.

[Nellyp]

Those people that are giving you advice are they offering any solutions? They should be there to help not hinder. If you want this to work you have to search every area, look under every rock, have you investigated into her depression? You should hop onto the internet and get the knowledge you need to fight this. It's not easy but better then your family leaving. Why not you personally go to the doctors get a referal to a professional, speak to them about your issues, how it's effecting you, they will help you find the strength to get through this. Find someone that will help you!!!!!They are out there!!!!.

[Lilzo]

It sounds as if you are having a really tough time at the moment. Coping with the break-down of a relationship is never easy and combined with this the worry about what is going to happen with your children, it’s no wonder your stomach is in knots

As Nelly suggests, post-natal depression may be something to consider. It might be a good idea if you can speak to your GP or if you can try and get your ex to speak to her GP about this.

In terms of the children, it sounds as though you have got some mixed advice about your parental rights. This article on paternity might be quite useful for you to read as it explains what rights as a father you have.

In terms of the break-up, it’s really fresh and I guess right now it’s a little early to say what’s going to happen. Finding ways to move on is often a positive move, but as you said because you have children this isn’t quite so straight-forward. This article on break-ups might be quite helpful when thinking about the bigger picture and it also recommends Relate which is a counselling service offering relationship support services which may be quite useful to you both.

Good luck with it all!