fuck this...:(

[curly_boy]

so, i'm back on anti depressants again, i've been so down recently, just sheer amounts of work getting me down, bad memories coming back, just general mood swings from buzzy and happy to suddenly down and swearing at my friends and pissing them off. Because of this i think i may have ruined the small chances i have with the girl i like, which is just adding up and making me feel worse. so yeah, just feeling complete shit with my life.

it just fucking sucks so much, i'd thought i'd got past this stage but appartnley not, i'd noticed that was feeling lower than usual for me, i wasn't enjoying hockey all the time, getting upset over small things etc the only thing that really seemed to help was writting lyrics and even now i'm finding it harder but it helps and cheers me up some of the time, but still, most of the things i'm doing just aren't as fun any more.

This time i'm on Cipramil, not heard of it before but looking at it now, mostly side effects but i didn't have any last time so hopefully i'm not gonna get any this time, first dose today, didn't really help tbh, i just feel like i'm gonna be going in circles like this for the rest of my life. I just don't see the point of continuing atm, i've not even told my closest friend that i SH most of the way through secondary school, let alone the way i'm feeling right now, and i talk to him wayyy more than my parents or my sister. my family know but i just can't talk to them about it.

But i'm also guessing this means back to see my counciler more, he's great and so's his team but i can't shake the feeling that i'm a lost cause, i just really needed to get this off my chest somewhere, idk, my life seriously needs to be sorted out and i have no idea how. i'm sorry but i have no idea what i'm doing with my life atm. just really needed to write this

[flower123]

heya,
sorry to hear that they have put you on anti depressants - they are thinking that with me....hopefully not though cause i don't want any more tablets!!! i ain't heard that of that one - they do take about 6 weeks to take effect so just grin and bear it for a bit hun xx ive stopped with my counsellor - just felt it was time and they suggested it as well. i just want a life you know -just feel as though being pushed from pillar to post in the hopefulness that i will be given some worthwhile help and advice. always here if you need to talk. xx

[notanotherusername!]

*hugs*

You will have to wait for them to have an effect. Your not a lost cause at all. You are seriously good at writing song lyrics.

The ADs and your counciler will help you sort things out, and i'm sure you will sort things out. It sucks but it takes time.

And there is always us to rant to if you need to. We're not going anywhere!

[curly_boy]

its a new one for me as well, not heard of it before

its just everythings going badly atm, friendships, wanting something more that i'm not gonna get, playing badly

all i know is that writting lyrics is the one thing keeping me going atm
i know that if i wasn't doing this i would be completly over the edge

[flower123]

heya,
i hope that you are ok *hugs* - i have been over the edge and it is truely not worth it........try whatever you can to do what you want. xx

[Broken-Angel]

Aww hunny, I hope you're a little bit better today.
Always keep a note pad and pen with you, and just write lyrics when you feel down. They don't have to be perfect, I sometimes just write random lines, but it really does help. And it is a comfort to know the note pads with you too.
And, remeber the past is in the past and nothing can be done about that now. So don't get yourself down about it.
If you ever need to just chat I am always here :-)
Xx

[curly_boy]

so, today i talked to a few of the support staff and it actually helped, felt good about myself though still had a day full of feeling down, like i'm feeling now. I think i know what to expect this time around and i'm actually able to deal with it better, i understand that i need ADs but i still don't like it.

My friends are worried about me as well, whihc i don't want, they asked me if everything was okay today and i had to put on a great big smile and say it was because i'm not ready for them to know. Though today i felt i was able to show the support staff my lyrics which basically sum up what i've felt and gone through, good times, bad times, feelings for S, all that crap and they loved them, said i had a real talent though i don't think i do

Anyway, just thought i would give u an update and get alot of this off my chest cos i don't really wanna talk about it to my parents or sister, let alone my friends

[curly_boy]

hey all
i havn't put an update on how its going in a few days but i thought i would because i think that this is quite important for me

So a few days ago i decided that i wouldn't lie down and let this take over my life again, its what i did last time and i've just managed to get my life back on track, great friends again all that stuff

so i've decided to go out have fun and not let it dominate me, don't get me wrong i'm still feeling like shit alot of the time but i'm really trying hard to not let it affect my life, i'm actually trying hard with my counciller and the support team, i'm not missing my ADs anymore, i just want my life back on track with out this crap again

So i've been going out again, getting drunk, chilling out with friends all that sort of things that teens do, though not as drunk as much as i used to do.

So yeah basically its whast going on atm, i'm feeling down but i'm coping better than i though i would which is great, just writting this has put me in a great mood for once

[flower123]

heya,
well done you have done the right thing and you deserve to be happy and not let things get you down. . always here if you need to talk.