Partner's friends liking ya

[ShyBoy]

You know when you're in a relationship with someone, does it bother you whether their friends and family like you? I've just thought, because my girlfriend's friend's don't really like me. I'm more to them seen as 'her boyfriend', rather than someone they can include in their social gatherings etc. I have quite a close family, and form close friendships, and my girlfriend was instantly 'adopted' into both my friendship and family circle, so much that she's welcome even when I'm not there.

But she was going out with her friends tonight, and I wasn't invited, and this is quite common. Not that I mind her having her space, but the reason I wasn't invited is because none of her friends really like me, and having me there (because on occasion I have gone) makes them feel a bit awkward. I've tried talking to them and when I get into a conversation with them it's fine with one, but on the whole they just don't really wanna be buddies with me.

It's not the biggest issue in the world, but it really bugs me, that they seem me as more of a distant boyfriend than my girlfriends long term partner who they should get to know. The weird thing is, it's pretty much all of her friends who are like this, in different social circles. They smile and remember my name and say hi, but that's about it. Well, tbf at the last excursion, I was left to one side and nobody said hi to me... and I tried to make conversation but it's so difficult when they're in a group talking about 'in stuff'.

So, do you think it's important that your girlfriend / boyfriends / husbands / wives friends like you and get on well with you, or is it just one of those frivolous things? Just because, well I actually got quite upset because none of hers really do, and they've never really made an effort to get to know me.

[StrubbleS]

Yes, it would actually bother me. I don't even really like it, when friend's friends don't really accept me.

I'd like to integrate my girlfriend in my familiar (to a degree of course) and social life, and would like the same in the opposite direction too.

[Replicant]

I dont think my ex invited me out with her freinds once while we were at uni. I invited her out with my freinds, but she hardly ever came.

but I got along with her freinds back home well enough, which was nice.

it's nice to be liked by anyone to be honest, and having the approval of your gf's freinds is bound to be a good thing. But that said, I wouldnt worry if they dont like you, I expect it's more a case of they dont know you, rather than dont like you.

[Teagan]

It's hard to make people 'like' you when they perceive that there is no common ground. However, I would say that your girlfriend ought to integrate you more with conversations and social occassions. Cold-shouldering you by her friends ought to be seen as disrespectful to her.

[Littleali]

i think its important

my fella plays rugby and i DREAD the yearly presentation evening

his friends speak to me, but their girlfriends blank me totally, they all sit in a little clan and exclude me which can make me feel uneasy, its also not very nice for my fella as he has to sit with me all night rather than mingle with his mates because otherwise i'd be left out

his mum, dad and sister like me though, and that matters more than his social circle

[clementine_the_tangerine]

What reason do they have for not liking you? You're lovely.

I've been accepted into my boyfriend's friendship circle (tho I knew them beforehand) but I have the feeling I'm being talked about for 'taking him away'. I hate that.

I actually made a thread about this waaaaay back, it's very, very important to me. For the duration of my longest relationship the boyfriend in question's friends hated and despised me for "taking him away" from them and it made for a lot of anguish and sniping back and forth. By no means did it spell the end of the relationship, but it meant a huge portion of time was "no go" time for either his friends or myself. That's not very cool, obviously you don't want to be tagging along to meet up with their friends everytime (or have their friends tagging along to meet you everytime) but you want it to be a viable option - and one that will be pleasant for all concerned! Or at least, I do.

Obviously it's not the be all and end all, there are some people who keep their friendships largely seperate from their signifigant relationship, either because that's the way they like things or because their friends and partner aren't "compatible". But it just doesn't work for me. I suppose it's that a person's friends say a lot about them and if I am such poles apart from their friends then it might make me wonder - not that I'd end a relationship on that basis, though. If we can get along with civil tongues and a bit of banter then I'm happy not to be bezzie mates with his friends, but if it's pistols at dawn I couldn't hack it... especially not in a relationship as serious as the one I'm in now. We share mutual friends from way back however, so all is hunky-dory

Why don't they like you, ShyBoy? Is it because of the past? (Not that you're at fault of course, but just because they see it ending messily again). Did they ever accept you as a friend rather than friend's boyfriend, beforehand?

[katralla]

Maybe she's just like me. I like to be included in a partner's circle, but not the other way around.

[ShyBoy]

Originally Posted by briggi

But it just doesn't work for me. I suppose it's that a person's friends say a lot about them and if I am such poles apart from their friends then it might make me wonder - not that I'd end a relationship on that basis, though.

It gets me thinking the same thing, why don't they get on with me??

Why don't they like you, ShyBoy? Is it because of the past? (Not that you're at fault of course, but just because they see it ending messily again). Did they ever accept you as a friend rather than friend's boyfriend, beforehand?

I think its mostly a case of they've never really got to know me. Whenever I turn up, they might look at me, but they never make an effort to talk to me. If I talk to them, it's really awkward and they quickly go off to talk to one of their other friends. Although there's a largish group of them (around 10 - 15), they all seem to act very shy around me.

It's a bit odd, because normally I manage to make friends in these situations - my current social circle exists because I made friends with my girlfriends (at the time) friends, and then they met my friends, and everyone started going out then we broke up and everyone remained friends! (After that, my best mate started going out with my ex, which was amusing, but scary when she admitted she still had feelings for me when she was with him! Mates come first imo, unless it's serious long term).

Another reason it's especially awkward now is because of this:

around febuary last year, a relative loner at her college started talking to her, and started being a bit obnoxiously flirty, and for some reason she went for it. Started fancying each other, did the dirty behind my back, and her friends accepted him into their group (he's in the same academic year). Then when I found out, we split up, and her friends were pleased because they liked this 'new guy' even though a lot (most) of what he says is manipulative bullshit. Anyway, it got to a point where he was threatening suicide, she couldn't take the intensity, she came to me as someone she could trust, she made up her mind she wanted to be single without emotional baggage, became single, he went a bit crazy and kept going on about suicide, her friends cottoned on and blamed her / me because otherwise they would have stayed together and he wouldn't have gone wacko .

Now, a few months on, they're all back best mates with her, our friendship eventually went back into a relationship (not a decision I made lightly, I should add) and this guy is a bit of a freak now. But because he's in the friendship circle, everyone has an alleigance to him, and since we are seen as love rivals in a sense... they find it difficult talking to me.

My girlfriend struggled to invite me to her 18th (joined with some of her friends) because he was going to be there, and it was going to be really awkward, but she did in the end, and everyone had a good time and I got on with her mates. But again, she's going out tonight, with two mates from different social circles (who she's chuffed because they get on like 'a house on fire'), and I know them both, and knew them both before they knew each other, so I guess I'm jealous that I'm not included in the clique. I told my girlfriend, I feel a bit like a trophy sometimes, because she's happy to introduce me to people and people compliment her on how lovely / sweet I am, but none of her friends get to know me, I'm just 'the boyfriend'.

It's just really upsetting that they don't get on with me, I want their acceptance I guess.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

I think you've done all you can do really. If you aren't happy then your girlfriend should step in. I know that when I was dating someone (turned out to be a bit of a knob anyway heyho!) but the point is that at the time I thought he was the bee's knees...anyway I could tell that my friends didnt like him and in his company would make it blatently obvious by making snide remarks. I told them 'not to fucking do it because it's fucking rude' and they stopped. If you are important to your girlfriend and dont treat her like dirt (which you obviously don't) then your friends should be otherwise welcoming to you and just generally friendly.

[Ballerina]

I don't know how you're coping with that tbh!

Well i'm in a LDR and i've only met a few of his friends - they're all cool though, and the others that i haven't met are really interested to meet me. I don't really see my friends outside school but i've been to a concert with my bf and 2 of my friends before and they all got on fine. I couldn't cope with all that cattyness, especially with that moose still in the picture. I dunno how you do it. I still don't think she deserves you but it's up to you

[katralla]

OMG it's that girlfriend! Well, I would be a bit suspicious that she's been telling them all the bad bits in your relationship and moaning to them about you, which is why it won't work with you trying to be friends with them too... but then I am SUPER suspicious at the mmo'.

[clementine_the_tangerine]

Originally Posted by katralla

OMG it's that girlfriend! Well, I would be a bit suspicious that she's been telling them all the bad bits in your relationship and moaning to them about you, which is why it won't work with you trying to be friends with them too... but then I am SUPER suspicious at the mmo'.

Yeah that is what I thought but didn't want to pee on a parade or anything.

[pill 'ed]

Originally Posted by Rachael

What reason do they have for not liking you? You're lovely.

I've been accepted into my boyfriend's friendship circle (tho I knew them beforehand) but I have the feeling I'm being talked about for 'taking him away'. I hate that.

I had that with my ex girlfriend, all her friends thought I was taking her away from them and all my mates thought the same about her. lol

[Nikki*]

My boyfriends mates are lovely and although I'm not close to any of them, they'll stop and chat if they see me. And I'm always invited out with them (unless it's a lads night out or something). It's nice.

My boyfriend never really used to get along with my school friends, but the mates I've made at college have really took a shine to him and he gets along quite well with them

We both get along brilliantly and comfortably with each others families though, and I think that's more important.